Things I purchased for girls that are now of no use to me

 

FOUR POUNDS OF VEGAN SUGAR

For a while I was trying to date a vegan girl - she was coming over to watch a movie, and eager to impress her, I decided to try my hand at making some vegan cookies. As it turns out, vegan food ingredients are expensive as hell and only come in life-time-commitment quantities. After spending about forty dollars on surreal amounts of organic ingredients, I whipped up what actually turned out to be some very decent animal-free cookies. Unfortunately, the girl stood me up, leaving me with one batch of cookies, and a seemingly bottomless bag of vegan sugar.

QUANTITY USED: .25 lbs

QUANTITY LEFT: 3.75 lbs

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED: UNLIKELY

 

TWO TWELVE PACKS OF SODA (DR. PEPPER AND MOUNTAIN DEW)

I'm not much of a soda drinker, but my girlfriend at the time was. I bought a bunch of her two favorite kinds - Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper - so she would have something to drink when she was over. She drank three cans and broke up with me.

QUANTITY USED: 3 CANS

QUANTITY LEFT: 9 CANS

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
I'LL PROBABLY DRINK IT

 

GREY'S ANATOMY SOUNDTRACK

My girlfriend couldn't find her library card, so I put this on mine - she immediately lost it somewhere in my apartment. The library charged me ten dollars for it before accepting that it was gone for good. Approximately three years later I found it shoved in a crevice behind my desk.

QUANTITY USED: 100%

QUANTITY LEFT: 100%

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
THERE'S ACTUALLY SOME PRETTY GOOD SONGS ON HERE

 

HEAD ON (APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD)

She gets really bad headaches when she drinks. She swears by this stuff, but can't find it in stores. I literally watched her dig the last bits out of a depleted stick with a Q-Tip. After the last time she was over, I drove around to about five different stores until I found some, and stuck it stealthily into my nightstand for the next time she spends the night. That's yet to happen though, and there's no way I'm rubbing chemicals on my forehead.

QUANTITY USED:
NOT EVEN OPENED

QUANTITY LEFT: ALL OF IT

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
50/50 CHANCE

 

BOTTLE OF VODKA

Something else I don't drink - Vodka. I heard she liked it so I bought a bottle. She came over maybe twice and both times she was not in the mood to drink. It takes up alot of space in my freezer. I tried to drink it and got about halfway through it - I'm just not that into it.

QUANTITY USED: 375 ML

QUANTITY LEFT: 375 ML

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
I'LL JUST TAKE IT TO A PARTY

 

EXTRA TOOTHBRUSH

Used once. Now completely useless.

QUANTITY USED:
ONE TIME TOO MANY

QUANTITY LEFT: GROSS

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
WHY HAVEN'T I THROWN THIS AWAY

 

TWO WOODEN CHAIRS

I told her I had enough furniture, but she insisted that I needed at least two more places for people to sit. She's gone; the chairs remain.

QUANTITY USED: 2

QUANTITY LEFT: 2

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
IN A 600 SQ FT APARTMENT?

 

BOX OF CONDOMS

I don't know why I even buy these

QUANTITY USED: 0

QUANTITY LEFT: 12

LIKELYHOOD OF
BEING USED:
AT LEAST THEY'RE GOOD FOR A PRETTY LONG TIME

 

THE END